Walking into walls

I want to tell a story of walking in a rebuilt life

And feeling like these fresh walls are where God was always pulling me.


Out with the old. In with the new.


I am the one who makes the boxes to put the Spirit in.


The stockings were hung with care. That’s all they were hung with. No stocking suffers of candy and little nick knacks.


The tree was happily decorated by the kids. The decorations were un-proportionate but who cares. They had fun and it didn’t have to be perfect. The tree was full of decorations. But underneath was empty. No gifts laid piled up to be handed out on Christmas Day.


I am a tree growing around one ideal of how it all works.

The one way.

The imaginary righteousness.

The china cup filled with mud.


Is it always the way with higher things that first we must walk a diminishing path before we can get to where we were always meant to abide?


I don’t think so.


Months ago I lost my job and finding a new one has not been easy. To be honest it’s been downright almost impossible. I try everyday filling out applications and looking but no callbacks.


Our financial problems are catching up with. Have caught up with truthfully.


Not to mention I haven’t even out of an inpatient hospital for depression for less than a week and I’m still dealing with that where I received electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) once again for bipolar depression.


Before Christmas ever got here we sat the kids down and explained to them the money situation. We have a great set of kids. Our kids range from seven to 13. We had to explain to them Christmas for us will have to come during tax season.


To my wife’s and my blessing each of our kids were completely understanding. No anger or being upset.


Their understanding doesn’t stop there. My current wife and I have past marriages and that’s where our children come from. Each of our children are here with us for Christmas. My wife’s kids don’t have to be. My kids are following a visitation schedule. But they continue to state they would rather be here.


Each of our kids would rather be here with us and each other with no presents and gifts even though they have some waiting at their other houses.


I’m proud of all of my kids for learning what is important during the holidays; not gifts, not material things or what all they can get.


Their attitude and behavior has reflected their feelings towards it as well. No grumbling. No complaining. No asking, “when, when, when.” As a matter of fact to them it’s just a break from school.


My kids depend on me for everything. To them there is nothing wrong. But maybe I need to take a step back and relook at Christmas through their eyes.


My truth is this:

He always knew where I would fall, where I would hide,

And where I would finally break into a thousand small pieces.


Where I would lay in shards and cry for my inability to be saved and to save others.


That then were would be, like there always was Jesus.


When all was lost and gone and ugly and alone and ruined.


When I opened my eyes to only love.


I live daily in naked acknowledgements of early reality:

I am unemployed.

I am a felon.

I am scared.

I am a burden.

I am wide-eyed at the world.


But in this I am also:

Still in covenant with a Savior.

The caretaker of the greatest five blessings I will ever receive.

I am covered with grace.

My every need is met.

I will live with those open eyes turning into open arms.

I will learn to love like Him

I am learning to walk with him


2 thoughts on “Walking into walls

  1. Those are some special children. 🙂

    As far as ECT, I never knew that was still in practice! I goggled it and found a page in Wikipedia, and to my amazement it is still utilized.

    Have you ever considered or ever tried a nutritional approach to battling depression? I know this approach can help a great deal of people. 🙂

  2. 384721 443482Hiya! Great blog! I happen to be a every day visitor to your website (somewhat much more like addict ) of this web site. Just wanted to say I appreciate your blogs and am searching forward for much more to come! 614745

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