Poems I’d share with you

In an attempt to take a brake from the marriage series I thought I would post some of my poems from the past for you guys to read. I would love some feedback. They shed a little a bit more light into my world of bipolar. My next post will Part3; what my bipolar marriage has taught

I Need To Say Goodbye

I need to say goodbye. I have to go now.

I’m sure I will be back someday.395512_302763876449195_222103041181946_902109_387703272_n

If you see myself somewhere tell me I miss me.

And if it’s not too late tell me that I can stay.

Please ask me why I always have to go away.

I know my goodbye was so short and I am sorry.

The lights were just too bright for these two eyes.

I need to draw back and retreat into the darkness

of a world I know.

A world of pains disguise where I hide myself,

it suffocates my cries.

I hate this pounding; it’s so loud I cannot hear me.

Why do demons wish to kill me inside?

My mind cannot suffer through this life of pain much longer.

If I cannot breath again then I rather die.

With every beat I clench my fists and scream out, “Why?”

The pain has grown now to engulf my numbing body.

The blood throbbing to burst out of my skull,

pressing my face against the floor.

I try to free me.

from this blinding, spinning, stabbing, pounding hell.

Pain has bound me to its everlasting cell.

I feel possessed by pains pressure on my soul, grasping, reaching for the unaffected me.

Screaming aloud the blood escapes my weighing eyelids.

I know I lost the battle towards becoming free.

At least I had the chance to say goodbye to me.

Am I Real

I never meant to come on so strong.

I never meant that you were wrong.

Just sometimes it’s so hard to speak.

Straight from the heart, I feel so weak.

My words don’t flow as others will.

I hide behind this wall so real.

I speak at times without my mind.

Take risks of losing the truly kind.

I fear what most come to see.

They’re braver than I’ll ever be.

Trust is but a heavy load.

For me a long and scary road.

Should I reveal my heart to thee?

Remain a stranger, a mystery?

Reach out to you with a soulful desire?

Give you a certain power?

For should I be who you so choose

And must accept who’s in these shoes.

Your key to love is not in me…

But within our hearts as an entity.

Now I must ask

Once you’ve touched my heart

Will you close the door?

Tear me apart?

All these leave me afraid

For many times my heart has paid

Not to seem a bitter cold

For with my “dream” will I grow old.

I need one who can sense the “whole”

Go beyond the surface of my soul.

To know that life’s not what we see

Yet more, what it can truly be.

For am I real you ask of me?

Yes…

Though I am a dreamer

With a need to be free.

Not free from commitment

Nor bonds of devotion…

Though free to show

My true emotion.

I Want to Cry

I want to cry because

My highs aren’t happiness

My lows aren’t true sorrow

My feelings are not real

I want to cry because

I have a label

Bipolar, Mental, Psycho

No longer a person

I want to cry because

My racing thoughts

My irrational fears

Were manias, not nightmares?

I want to cry because

I don’t want to live like this

I don’t want to fight like this

I don’t want to be different

I want to cry

But can’t

Because I don’t have real tears

Shadows

I feel the darkness coming

Like a breeze against my skin

It’s going to take me over

I know I cannot win

I try to rationalize this somehow

As I am balled up in my bed

The covers comfort me

They hide me from my brains sin

As my mind is screaming

The shadows they appear

I am swallowed once again into blackness

Paralyzed with fear

I feel so very numb inside

Sadness has its grip

I am so very weary

Of these shadows in my head

Sadness

How deep in my being it bleeds

But the mask I try to wear

To shun off any needs

Is not good enough

I breathe and cry

And cry and breathe

Each breathe I take

Is another cry to be

To be someone

Who would that be?

To laugh and smile

Would that be the death of me?

 

Different

 

What difference does it make?

That I am Different.

So what, I ask you, what is so bad?

Aren’t we all Different? Or are we all the same?

Don’t you prefer to be Different?

Doesn’t your soul cry out for it?

Maybe it just happens. It happens I am Different.

It happens you are not. If you are not Different then you are the same.

The same as what…as everyone else?

Then I must be  wrong because I am Different?

I am Different! Therefore I am wrong! Right?

You would feel better if I wore more like you.

I can’t be more like….But I am exactly like you.

In every way I am just as unique as you.

 

Mine

 

I’m comfortable with my insanity, at least. I can live with it. I flaunt it. Can you live with yours?

I’m used to it and know it well, we’ve been together for a long, long time.

I’m not afraid of it, we co-habitat extremely well, it fits, it’s mine.

It is part of me like the skin I wear, it’s always with me.

No one will ever understand me, I accept that. Not everyone will accept me, I understand. My craziness is at times a friend, other times an enemy. Angles keep me with reach, my demons keep from being bored.

My head runs over with activity, it literally almost never shuts off.

Insomnia has me in is its rein. It is isn’t going anywhere.

I’ve learned how to take to advantage of it.

It’s a part of me also. It’s mine. It isn’t going anywhere.

I’ll never be free but I am the freest soul I know. I’m captured, but I’m the butterfly. If you walk away with a though to my insanity. I hope you smile I’m not normal, but I’m fine. I hear a waterfall of laughter of all around me. I’m good company, It’s mine. It’s my insanity.

 

Am I real?

 

I never meant to come on so strong

I never meant that you were wrong

Just sometimes it’s so hard to speak

Straight from the heart, I feel so weak.

 

My words don’t flow as others will

I hide behind this wall so real.

I speak at times without my mind.

Take risks of losing the truly kind.

 

I fear what most have come to see.

They’re braver than I’ll ever be.

Trust is but a heavy load To me a long and scary road

 

Should I reveal my heart to thee?

Remain a stranger, a mystery?

Reach a stronger, a mystery?

Reach out to you with soulful desire?

 

Give me a certain power?

 

For should I be who you choose?

And must accept who’s in the shoes.

Your key to leave if not in my…

But within our hearts as an entity.

 

Now I must ask

Once you’ve touched my heart

Will you close the door?

Tear me apart?

 

All these leave me afraid

for many times my heart was paid

Not to see a bitter cold

For with my “dream” will I grown old

 

I need one who can sense the “whole”

Go beyond the surface of my soul.

To know that life’s not what we see

 

Yet more, what it can truly be

 

For am I real to you, you ask of me?

yes……

Though I am in your dream

With a need to be free.

 

Not free from commitment

Nor bonds of devotion…..

Though free to show

My true self and emotions

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