My secret weapon

As I reflect upon the events I have been documenting recently, I see the unmistakable hand of God upon them. God knew the dire state I was in. God knew the ugly web of deceit and lies I had woven. God knew I had been used and abused for years. God knew that I had been discarded like yesterday’s trash. God knew all but a few of my “friends” had run for the hills. God knew fellow clergy had gladly joined those stabbing me in the back.

None of these things came as a surprise to God. He is God and He knows everything about everything. Did God cause all these things? Of course He didn’t. Did God allow them? Most definitely because Hebrews says that God chastens those He loves as a father does his child.

Don't look back
Don’t look back

Looking back on the state I was in, I can say nothing more than that I was so messed up mentally, emotionally and spiritually it is a wonder I didn’t wander off and die in the desert. If indeed God really does love me, He had to resort to drastic measures to save me from myself. Deep within my heart, I know that the events I have chronicled recently were orchestrated by God to bring me to the point where I quit fighting Him, ceased doubting Him and stopped questioning Him.

Although I did not come down from that mountain on glowing as Moses, I did return with an inner peace that somehow and someway God would deliver me from the tangled mess I had made of my life. I am happy to report that God did indeed do just that, but it took many years with many tears for it to take place.

The phenomenal events that took place that morning were only the beginning of a long and arduous process of grueling self introspection, unlearning massive amounts of wrong teaching and learning anew how to live a simple life of love. The road home was a winding path wrought with peril on every side and demanded more trust than I had ever had in my life. Everything within me wanted to quit, but I didn’t because I had a secret weapon.

The vast majority of people who knew me had turned their back and walked away from me by. I was considered “damaged” and in many respects “anathema”. But, there were a handful of people who amazingly left family, friends and jobs to follow me. This handful of saints loved me enough to go with me and provide a spiritual support group for me.

Some of these people actually provided what I needed more than anything else which was prayer. Without these brothers and sisters I would have surely crumbled and fallen apart. Without their support, love and prayers I would have been eaten alive by the enemy and spewed out in tiny pieces.

In the years since 2010 there have been times I know there were no more than a handful of people in the world praying for me. Amazingly that is all it took to keep me alive and safe. Never underestimate the power of your prayers for one person. Many times those prayers may be the only ones genuinely being offered and make the difference between life and death.

I am only here writing this blog because of the grace, mercy and love of God coupled with the faithful prayers of one person in particular. Without the undying love for me manifested by my wife all these years (even before she was my wife), I would have self destructed. I have told her for nearly 7 years that her faith in me as her “man of God” and relentless support for me enabled God to heal me and make me whole.

I dedicate the preceding blogs and especially this one to the love of my life and the angel by my side who has stood with me when no one else did, loved me when no one else cared and supported me for me when no one else would. With all of my heart I pray that I can be even 1/100th of a blessing to her as she has been to me all these years. Thank you Blest and thank you God for allowing me the unbelievable privilege to be the husband of such an incredible woman.

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3 thoughts on “My secret weapon

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  3. Hello!
    I just want to say what you are doing here is so important. Reading about people who live with BP really helps me to hang in there. I have a friend who I believe has BP (he has never told me, but I have seen enough to be pretty certain). He is currently “away”, meaning kind of disappeared. I have been praying (and I mean weeping) for him for many months. I feel like this is God’s purpose for me right now, but I am not sure it matters. My friend is not a believer, and seeing how people suffer with this disorder, I can’t say that I blame him. But there is a part of him that knows there is a God, so I suppose that is a start.

    Back to what you are doing is important… I know you bleed here. I know you fight here. It helps. It helps me understand my friend when he can’t speak. It helps me know what to pray. I hope my prayers, in turn, help him. Please keep going. My friend is so important to me. You are important. Thank you so much.

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