My Own Identity

It’s been almost six months since my divorce. This is the first time I’m written about it. It took me a while to process it and come to terms with it. I’m sure I played a role in the downfall of my marriage but so far I still don’t understand what led to the demise of our relationship. Or what would make someone in a relationship reach the point of giving up. I wanted to save our marriage. I would’ve done anything to do so. I’ll admit I was in a pretty low slump for the first three months after the split. But by God’s grace He pulled me out of it.
But I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching if you will about me and my life. I’m not happy with my life and where I’m at. I always feel I could be doing more and be more productive. I lay the guilt trip on myself pretty heavy being on disability and not working. I have days where it’s almost impossible I have Parkinson’s and so I think to myself that I can get out there and work. Then on the other hand the rest of days I spend fighting against my own body that has a mind of its own. Not to the mention the pain and anxiety I feel. So I wrestle back and forth and beat myself up as to whether or not I can work.
I continue to be faithful in attending my local church. I’ve even strongly believed I can go on a missions trip overseas. So I’m in the works with that with my pastor.
I need something in my life. I don’t believe it’s another relationship. There is this void and I’m trying to find what can fill it. I have a heart for missions and think about it every day. But that in itself doesn’t mean that one is called onto the mission field. So I daily seek God’s direction and leading. Only He can fill the void in my life.
When my ex wife and I split a big part of my identity was lost. I played the role of a house husband. I took care of our home and many demands for my stepdaughter. But when we split I not only lost a wife I lost a daughter. My role as husband and father came to an abrupt halt. So I find myself seeking my own identity.
I know in time God will lead me on right path. In the mean time I continue to take care of myself regarding my bipolar and Parkinson’s. I’m currently stable and I have good days and bad days with my Parkinson’s.

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